Ok, consider yourself warned, a bit of "sorry for myself" is about to go down.
I've had a crap few years: infertility diagnosis in 2008, open heart surgery in 2009, pacemaker implant in 2010, unemployment {commence financial struggles}, continued struggles with infertility, and now my grandfather has passed away. I know everyone has their trials in this life but man, I would so love to be done for awhile. It's really been a bit much. I'm not saying it's been a solid three years of awful but there have been some REALLY gnarly things to deal with --- infertility would have been enough for awhile, but no, I had to have all kinds of scary business happen with my heart stuff, which is much better now but the fact that I have a pacemaker means it's never going to be something I can put behind me completely, and the scars won't allow for that to happen either. There they are, each and every time I look in the mirror or shower or notice someone looking at them. I still have palpitations every day {much better on the whole but the infertility meds often times make them more pronounced} and I will need to visit the doctor every two years for my heart and every 3 months for my pacemaker for the rest of my life. I will also have to have my pacemaker battery replaced every 7-10 yrs, for the rest of my life.
THAT would have been more than enough to deal with, especially at my age, but combined with the infertility and the other stuff going on right now, it's sometimes hard to find something to smile about. I just want something to go right. Anything. I would love to find a job, say. And of course, I would absolutely LOVE to have a baby. There are so many good things going on for other people and I'm envious. I'll admit it, I am. I just want to throw my hands up to the sky and scream to whomever is up there listening that I'm here, I'm a good person, I need something good to happen to me, before I drown in all the negatives.
I have an amazing husband. He is my best friend and I am so blessed to be married to him. I have a wonderful, supportive network of family and friends. I am finally feeling healthy again. We aren't as bad off financially as some. There is a roof over my head, and I am an intelligent, capable young woman. I found joy in cooking, baking and gardening. I am not saying it is ALL bad. But I am saying that sometimes, enough is enough. People say that God does not give us more than we can handle --- ok, well, I think I've reached my limit for awhile.
When will it be my turn? When will I have something wonderful to talk about, something amazing to share, something happening in my life that I am just bursting with joy about? People also say that you are responsible for your own happiness, and to an extent, I agree, but I can't just forget my sorrow about being infertile and the struggle it's been. I can't push my health issues aside and say, "Oh well, that happened and it's too bad that it's my reality now but I'm happy as a lark regardless." That's not reality. I've had some really hard things to deal with these last few years and it's been a challenge to get where I am right now --- all things considered, I think I'm doing pretty well. And please don't get me wrong. I KNOW there are people out there in WAY worse shape than I: terminal health issues, people in extreme poverty, people living in war zones, etc. And I don't allow myself a pity party very often, because honestly, I know people don't want to hear it {not because they don't care necessarily but because I've discovered that many people are uncomfortable around sadness} and I know it won't change things, but it does need to come out. It's cleansing and therapeutic. And I guess this blog is as good a place as any to do that.
If you've read this far, thank you. I won't apologize for my rant because I'm not sorry. Shit happens, everyone has crap to deal with, but I'm tired. I try really hard to turn things around, find the blessings amongst the muck, find things to be happy about and do things that make me happy but the sheer effort is sometimes exhausting.
Ok, that is all. Pity party complete. :)
You've had enough for 10 people, let alone one. You deserve a break...something good to come your way. I will keep you and your husband and the rest of your family in my prayers. Yes there are people worse off than you, but that doesn't take away from what you've been through. No one can measure the amount of pain and suffering each person goes through.
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Thank you, I'm thankful for blog therapy. :) I know we all say it, but it's true, life isn't fair --- and the sooner we come to terms with that and accept and move on, the better. But that doesn't mean I can't be angry sometimes and wallow. Sometimes my soul and sanity crave it. I have so many blessings in my life and am thankful for each and every day that I am alive. I just wish life would throw me a bone --- and soon. Thank you for your support!
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