Ephemeral Shadows

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held? - Laura Bush

This pretty well sums up what I'm feeling. How a woman who can say something so eloquently can marry Pres. Foot-in-Mouth Bush, I just don't know. My cycle still has not arrived {I think I'm on day 54 or somewhere around there} so I need to man up and test soon to determine if I need to take my progesterone or not to get things moving along. I have spotted off and on but nothing consistent or anything more than just barely there. I know it's somewhat common for women to spot in early pregnancy but it just doesn't seem "right". However, I am encouraged. Who knows why. I didn't ovulate when I should have but it doesn't mean that I didn't ovulate late, so I suppose there is still a chance. I have had symptoms {including a few late mornings of slight nausea and earlier this week, an afternoon where I got a nauseous wave so severe I almost had to pull over in the car --- I thought I was going to heave-ho}. I don't know. I've had symptoms before. Every period cycle is full of text book "signs" so I'm left unconvinced and irked. I feel like I say this all the time now, but it's true: we shall see.

Also, if you're reading this blog {and I so appreciate it if you are, thank you for your support!}, please leave me a comment once in awhile, just a little shout out. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to myself...

Still waiting...

I know I haven't written in awhile but honestly, there hasn't been much to report. I am still waiting for my cycle to start, so I can begin my increased dosage of the Femara. {The doctor and I compromised on the dosage. I am not taking the full 5mg increase that he recommended but rather a 3.5mg dose, up from 2.5mg, which I am much more comfortable with.}

Today is cycle day 44. The doctors called in a progesterone treatment to be taken for 10 days should my cycle not start on it's own, and when I went to pick it up, I stopped in the bathroom at the pharmacy and there was a bit of blood when I peed so I thought my period was coming - and left the pharmacy without my prescription. Why pay for a prescription if it's not needed, right? Well that was last Thursday, March 24 and it still hasn't started yet. I spotted very lightly {like once or twice a day} through the weekend but it's completely stopped now. Not quite sure what to make of that. The thought did creep in to my mind, "Could I be pregnant?" I did have some lower abdomen twinging that occurred about 2 weeks ago, but I thought it was my period gearing up to make an appearance. Maybe it was ovulation, just super late? I'm sure stranger things have happened but I honestly can't let myself go there. No use in getting excited over a prospect that is most likely not the case. I will probably give it a few more days and then test - if it's negative {and honestly, it will most likely be negative} then I'll call the doctor's office and have them call in my progesterone prescription again. As my grandmother used to say, "We shall see what we shall see."

No O

My progesterone level this cycle was 0.6. You read that correctly: I went down from 10.7 last cycle to 0.6 this cycle. Which means I did not ovulate. Not even close. Which means my body did not respond to the meds and this cycle is over - it was over just about the time it started. Can't get pregnant without an egg being released, folks. Nature's funny that way.

I can't even begin to tell you how angry and upset I am. I don't think those words are sufficient enough to describe the frustration and defeat I feel. I got the call at 3:55pm this afternoon, so I had to sit at work in my cubicle, shaking and fighting back the urge to scream and sob for 65 minutes.

What's next? I have no clue. Why did my body not respond to the meds this month? Beats me. We have so many questions. If the doc wants to increase my dosage, my concern is that my heart palpitations will be more than I can handle. If he wants to try another med, we're out of oral options, which leaves us with injections and they are $1000 a pop, and you have to be closely monitored which means 2-3 ultrasounds (translation: $$) a week. And if we're doing all of that and spending all of that money, it would be in our best interest to do IUI - and we can't afford that. So, any way you slice it, we're looking at some unappealing options.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

The Update Post

Sorry I haven't been very good about keeping the blog posts coming. When I wasn't working, I had more free time on my hands and more time to blog but now...I get home and I just have a few hours to do what needs to be done around the house before heading to bed, and blog posts just don't make the cut. It takes effort to keep our meals healthy now that I don't have the day to prepare and shop for them, but we've been keeping up with our nutrition plan. I still haven't drank anything other than water, juice (in moderation) and milk in 7 weeks. I'm pretty proud of that - I also haven't had pasta in that length of time, either, which isn't as great of an accomplishment but it's up there, especially because it's a quick and easy meal and we haven't resorted to it yet in the 4.5 weeks I've been working. Tough, but a good feeling. So the food part of the nutrition plan is going great.

The two things I still need to work on are finding time to exercise and sleeping/resting more. I get up at 6:30am for work and get home around 5:15/5:30pm. By the time we get dinner made and finished, it's almost 7 or 7:30. On the nights that we don't have after work/school commitments (school related, volunteer related, or social), that only leaves us two hours to do other things before the night has to come to a close. But here's the thing: besides the fact that we're night people, when Jason doesn't get home until 10pm it's hard to get to bed by...10pm. haha And add in the fun fact that we're trying for a baby for a 10 night stretch (every other day cycle day 10-20 in order to be sure to catch ovulation), getting to sleep by 10pm when you don't even see your husband until then or later doesn't really make for a good night's rest. So, I've been experiencing a bit more heart palpitations for about a week but it's getting better. I've been really trying to get at least 6.5/7 hours of sleep a night, but sometimes I just can't make it happen. My cadiologist team also recommended that I cut back on some of my volunteer efforts until we achieve a pregnancy and/or until my heart becomes more accustomed to the level of activity I've been doing these last 4.5 weeks since starting my temp job. I went from doing nothing to working 8 hours a day, volunteering at the library and beginning my Patroness duties with the sorority, which has meant a lot of additional meetings and after hours commitments - not to mention we started down this baby path again just 3 weeks before starting my job so the fertility meds and pressures/stressors of trying for a baby need to be factored in to the mix, too. I was just doing too much too fast. Too much change too quickly.

Anywho, that's what's new. Today is cycle day 18, so my blood draw will be cycle day 22 (cycle day 21 is on a Sunday...) to see if I ovulated this month - fingers crossed!! **baby dust**

Cycle day 33 or Cycle day 1, whichever, we're there

AF arrived today. I'm super bummed but trying to focus on the positive. Because we took a 15-month health-mandated "hiatus" from infertility from September 2009 thru December 2010, it should feel like we're starting over again but in reality, it's a continuation, and it's impossible to totally erase the memories of the months of failed attempts that we experienced February 2008 thru August 2009: the anovulation, the diagnosis of PCOS, the meds, the 14 months of trying on our own, followed by the 6 months of trying with various medications (with and without IUI's, but we did do two), the nearly $6,000 of our own money, and the countless doctor visits. If we had taken a true break from the infertility stuff for 15 months, maybe this wouldn't seem so frustrating, but we didn't. We had 15 months of dealing with my health issues and being scared and in pain and recovering and quitting our jobs and moving, blah blah blah. So now starting on this path again...it's just flat out overwhelming. Because infertility is a culture, a way of life, and it likes to suck you dry.

No, we haven't had any miscarriages thank the good Lord, but with the exception of one chemical pregnancy which didn't even register as positive on a test, I've never been pregnant, not once, and it's a different kind of scary. I truly fear that I may never be pregnant. And if we are blessed with a pregnancy, I know I have an elevated risk of miscarriage due to my PCOS, not to mention any family history, which I also have to consider, in addition to the fact that miscarriages are far more common than women realize.

So even though I realize this is the first attempt of the new start with the healthy heart, the new doctor, and the new nutrition plan, it's still disappointing that it didn't work this month. Because we've been here before. It's not the end of cycle #1, it's the end of cycle #23 or 24, I've lost count...all of which have had the same result: not pregnant. Again, I know that people have walked a longer path to parenthood: my own parents struggled with infertility for 7 years (multiple miscarriages and a full term still born) before I came along and it never ceases to amaze me how they always listen to what we're feeling and going through without making comparisons or passing judgement on our decisions. They are always completely supportive and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. We have other family and friends who do the same, but having parents who can empathize in this situation to this degree and beyond is a blessing. I've read so many blogs written by women "suffering in silence" because they're parents or siblings or friends don't know what they're going through or don't understand, and it just adds salt to the wound. We certainly empathize with others who have struggled to conceive, and feel terrible for those who have suffered losses or struggled longer than we have, but it's not a contest. Infertility sucks, plain and simple, no matter what the story is behind each couple's individual struggle. If you've walked this path, I'm so sorry and I hope your story has a happy ending, as I hope ours one day will.

With all of that being said (phew, I'm feeling wordy tonight), I know it is best to focus on the now and try not to let the past interfere because we can't change the past but we can choose to focus on the present. {Good advice I received from my cousin that I am trying to follow, I promise}. So what is the positive?

1) I ovulated. HUGE. Thank you, Femara.
2) My cycle length was 33. Not 45, not 75, not 90, 33. Also huge. Thank you, Femara.
3) I am feeling good on my baby diet and have to believe that it is contributing to the above two achievements this month.
4) We have four more cycles to try on our own at home before the doc recommends we move on to a few IUI cycles with meds, and if that needs to happen, we have 3-4 IUI attempts to go through before he would recommend additional testing and, lastly, IVF.

For now, I just have to try and stay positive, let the past stay in the past and focus on where we are right now. Cycle day one, 2nd attempt this year. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Doing a little happy dance!

I OVULATED!!! Woohoo!! I am so excited --- this is a great first step in the right direction. :) I called the nurse this morning to see if they had gotten my lab results back from my Wednesday cycle day 21 blood draw and she told me my progesterone level came back at 10.7 which means I ovulated this cycle! I know it may sound silly to be so excited about ovulation (I mean, it's a natural part of the cycle after all...) but it's not normal for me so the fact that it's happening is huge. You can't get pregnant without producing and releasing a viable egg so just the fact that it happened this month is huge for me.

The doc told us when we met with him on January 14 that the femara would hopefully help me ovulate (check!) which would bring me up to a "normal" chance of achieving pregnancy. In other words, just because I was on a fertility med to help me ovulate doesn't mean I have an increased likelihood of getting pregnant. I am now in the running though, which is awesome! The average couple has a 20% chance of pregnancy each month, so the average couple will most likely achieve pregnancy in 5 months time (approximately).

Of course, I still have those pesky cysts hanging around my ovaries secreting estrogen and potentially messing with my cycle lengths but we're hoping that my nutrition plan in conjunction with the femara will help combat the level in which my cysts negatively affect our odds of conceiving.

Let's put it this way --- we are cautiously optimistic that these next 5 months will be successful for us. We have gotten this far before and further (I ovulated on clomid and with metformin during the 8 months we were actively trying with our first fertility doctor in 2009) so we know better than to be "sold" on the outcome of this progesterone test. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit we are encouraged. Our hope is to avoid having to do any ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) such as IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) or, as a last resort down the road, IVF (in-vitro insemination procedures).

For those of you who don't know, we did two IUI's in 2009 and were getting ready for our 3rd attempt when I found out I needed open heart surgery. The doctors were stumped as to why I hadn't conceived during the first two IUI attempts, given all of the facts: I was ovulating, my uterine lining was perfect, my eggs were viable, I didn't have any tubal blockages, my hormone levels were controlled, and Jason's sperm was fantastic. Technically speaking, we "should" have conceived...but we didn't. We had a chemical pregnancy which resulted in an early loss in June of 2009 (almost too early to count...the average woman would just have assumed it was a wonky period but since I was being so closely monitored, I knew better). However, Jason and I now truly believe that we were just not meant to be parents at that time and as it turned out, it was an immense blessing in disguise that we didn't get what we so desperately wanted. My heart was in no condition to handle the blood flow increase that comes with pregnancy and the likelihood of something bad happening to me, the fetus or both were high. We just didn't know it.

So now that I am healthy and on the right track, we are hopeful that everything will fall in to place --- and our dream of becoming parents will no longer be just a dream.

Fingers crossed! :)

It's been 3 years

We started our journey to parenthood three years ago today...approximately. It's been a long, arduous, challenging, upsetting, draining, frightening, and, miraculously, even amazing three years. There have been plenty of low's but a few high's, too. We've been through thick and thin, been there for each other through sickness and in health, been to the edge of all we know and been given wings so as not to fall, and we're still here, still very much in love and still moving on down the road to becoming mom and dad. Our baby is out there somewhere, waiting. And we're still here, waiting to love him or her beyond measure. Come and find us, little one, your mommy and daddy are awaiting your arrival with open arms and open hearts.