Ready to begin again...maybe? Maybe.

And here we are again. Back to the basics, back to square one, back where we started, whatever you want to call it...we're there. We have started talking about "it" again. "It" being the all elusive topic of baby making. Having just celebrated my one year surgiversary (Oct. 29 marked one year since my open heart adventure), it's a big step. At my last pacemaker check up (oh yea, I had a pacemaker implanted on June 3 of this year, FYI...long story, I'm ok now, living for today and tomorrow not yesterday, etc) I asked whether or not, in their professional opinion, I would be ok to start up on the baby making road again, and they, being so witty, said, "well let's put it this way: you're a hell of a lot better off today than you were a year ago," and I said, "so...yes?" and they said, "yes." So. There you have it.

Our want to have a baby certainly has not diminished by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, as you might expect, it's grown. And it continues to grow, each and every day. But here's the fly in the baby butt paste: Jason's back in school (hooray, he's very happy) and I'm unemployed (boo, I'm very not happy). So where does that leave us? Stuck. Stuck is where that leaves us. We are very much stuck in a conundrum of a situation. And let me lay it out for you, to make it all the more clear.

I have been told, over and over, that parents are blessed with children when they are "ready." If I didn't force myself to believe this, I would be gaga by now. "Ready" is not for us to decide and is highly open to interpretation- I thought I was ready 2 years ago, and if I had gotten my wish, I could have died. So, we must trust that things happen for a reason, and we are given children when we are indeed, truly ready, regardless of what we may think. Many a baby has been born into the likes of our current situation. Do we have a lot of money coming in? That would be a big fat negative. Do we have money saved? That would be a big fat YES. We saved for a rainy day. We saved for the possibility that I would need to do IUI again, or would need to try IVF. We were hoping to use some of the savings on a down payment for a home, but that may not be happening now for a few more years until we settle somewhere more permanent.

Which leads me to the next part of the equation: Jason is hoping to pursue his doctorate after completing the Master's program at Redlands. Which means, dear friends, that we will be moving, yet again, in the next 1.5 - 2 years. To where, you might ask? Out of state, would be my reply. And that's a bummer, for a few reasons, but believe it or not, it is also a plus. Biggest con: far away...from everybody we care about. Biggest pro: most states are more affordable than CA so our money will go further, especially on a home. So although we will be moving away from those we love, we will be able, most likely, to afford to put down some roots.

Now, being far away is also a con because I will also be far away from UCLA medical center, where I have had all of my surgical procedures, and where they have requested I return to have some monitoring done when I am pregnant, and where I would WANT to go to have monitoring done while pregnant. So this is another piece of my conundrum: do we wait to try for a baby until we're more financially secure, even if that means we're far away from family, friends and my doctors? Would that be a smart idea? I definitely don't like the idea very much myself, as I had always hoped, as most girls do, to be around my mom when pregnant (at least in the same state, for goodness sakes), and near my friends who have had children and can give me support and guidance.

And then there's the age-old question: is there ever a perfect time to have a baby? If we wait for all the pieces to come together, to make sense, to be "right", will we ever be parents? Jason has at least 5 years of school ahead of him, and I have ovaries that are not getting any better with age. Do we face some financial hurdles? Yep. Do we have so much love to give to a child that we can hardly stand it? YEP.

So here's where we think we stand: we wait out the rest of the year and begin again in the late winter/early spring. We play it safe, give my heart a few more months to heal, talk to some doctors, get me employed, and see where we are. I haven't had a period in over 2 months (and no, I am not pregnant, much to my annoyance, heartache and chagrin), so I know my PCOS is rearing it's ugly head again and I will most likely need some help getting pregnant (or at least some help regulating my cycles again) as we had thought and planned for. We are thinking, however, that in the beginning we might start trying again on our own without meds or intervention, just to see how it goes, give my body a chance to do it's thing, regardless of the wonky cycles, and see what happens. You never know, right? Miracles can (and do!) happen...

I know there is concern about my health: will I be able to carry a baby? Will my heart be able to handle the stress? And I know the concern comes from a loving place. The truth is, I don't know. I hope so, but I don't know. But I do know that we have been responsible from day one, discussing every angle, trying to do what's best. And I also know that in the end, it is our decision. My grandparents were born when their parents couldn't really afford them, as were my parents, and I, too, was born during financially difficult times for my mom and dad. Was it hard? Yes. Did they figure it out? Yes. Do they for one moment regret having me, even if times were tough? No, not for a second. I have learned that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We want a family and the reality of the situation is that we may not be settled, financially or physically, for years to come, and we are not willing to wait until it's possibly too late to have children, regardless of what our checking account or savings account statements say. We only have one life. I am on the road to feeling like myself again. Despite being low on funds, we are happy and very much in love. That being said, I think maybe, just maybe, that it is time.