One year ago Wednesday

One year ago Wednesday, which was September 19, 2011 we found out that, at long last, after so much time and hoping and praying and wishing, we were expecting our first baby. I can remember the moment as if it were yesterday, and not a full long year ago. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, right up there with my wedding day. And as you know, it was not meant to last.

This year, I spent half of the day in the hospital. I had a random atrial fibrillation event that started on Tuesday afternoon (9/18) landed me in the ER and then CCU. I'm ok, they got my heart rate to stabilize and I was released late morning on the 19th but it was a hard day, for more reasons than one.

We moved to Bloomington, IN early last month so this was the first time I was in the hospital so far away from home, from our family and friends, from my trusted UCLA doctors. We did not expect this to occur and it took us completely by surprise. They don't know why it happened and it could happen again. It is not reassuring to feel like I'm a walking ticking time bomb. And it is beyond frustrating that, after nearly 2.5 years cardiac issue free, I'm back to being afraid. It really REALLY scared me. My heart rate was over 200 beats per minute by the time I got hooked up to the monitors in the ER and I was absolutely terrified. I cannot describe how it feels to feel your heart racing, faster and faster and faster, to feel your body start to internally panic, to feel your body automatically respond, and to not have any control over any of it. I went in to survival mode, trying to get up off the gurney, trying to push the nurse away who was attempting to put an IV in my arm to administer heart medication and ativan to calm me down, and I kept saying over and over again that I didn't want to die, please help me, please tell me what's going on, please help me, I can't die today. Needless to say, it was traumatizing. Again. I'm 28 years old. This is too much reality for someone my age, and I've been in this place too many times over the last few years. I'm over it. This is a lot for my husband and I to deal with. He was fantastic, as usual, reciting my heart health history to the ER doctor like a champ, while holding on to my hand, telling me I was going to be fine, telling the nurse to turn off the sound to the heart monitor because it stresses me out. He knew what to do. He was great. Even through his own anxiety about what was going on, he was my hero. But man oh man, this is just too much, you know?

Anyway, a whole year has gone by since that wonderful, glorious day. And I still don't understand why it had to end the way it did. I'm fairly certain I'll never know, and perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be.