Some years are just harder than others. I know that. But it doesn't mean it's any less disappointing to muddle through a more challenging holiday season.
Our dog, Kobe, was diagnosed with cancer in November. Thankfully, it was confined to a mass on his tail so it didn't spread and we didn't have to make any tough decisions but it did mean he had to have his tail amputated on December 1. His beautiful, sweeping tail. So now, he has a little nub about 5 inches or so long and he looks like a long-legged over-sized 75 lb Corgie. But he's here with us and he's going to be okay and that's the main thing. That all being said, he hasn't had an easy time with the amputation, which has meant that we haven't had an easy time, either. He won't leave his nub alone long enough for it to heal and he's constantly ripping open his wound, even while wearing the largest cone we could fine (seriously, it's made to fit a St. Bernard) and even with his nub wrapped. Last night was particularly rough. Jason is gone through tomorrow so it's just been me and the pets and Kobe has been on high alert: barking throughout the night, which is very unlike him, and yes, you guessed it, ripping open his scab. Bloody mess at 4am. Last Tuesday, it took me an hour to get all of the blood up from the carpet so thankfully, last night's little fiasco wasn't nearly as traumatic but at 4am, it felt pretty brutal. And then after cleaning up and rewrapping his tail (and I'd already been jarred awake a few times by his barking over a several hour span), I couldn't get back to sleep. Which in turn led to a meltdown. Because it all seemed like too much. Most things do at 4am. We spent money we didn't have on his biopsy and amputation surgeries, and this whole ordeal has been going on since the end of October. Nearly two months. Again, we're so very thankful he's going to be okay but it's been a struggle. Jason has had an extremely taxing semester at school while also applying for professor positions so the timing was just bad. (Ha! Like there's ever a good time.) Next step: a soft mesh muzzle. Per the vet's instructions. I hate the idea but quite honestly, we're out of options. It must be left alone to heal and he's not allowing it to, despite everything we've tried.
And this has nothing to do with anything but we bought this gorgeous Grand Fir tree on November 29 from a local tree farm. It was full and beautifully shaped and smelled like tangerines. But it died a week after we brought it home. Dropped needles like it was going out of style. We did nothing different than we ever do, just a freak thing. Thankfully, the tree farm was kind enough to replace it for us free of charge but it was still a bummer.
Anyway. I'm just tired. And finding it difficult to get in to the holiday spirit. I can't believe next week is already Christmas. I don't feel ready. I don't feel festive. I just feel defeated. And I keep trying REALLY hard. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm always the jolliest of them all this time of year. My enthusiasm normally rivals that of a child's. This year...not so much. My mom came out for about 5 days last week and it was so wonderful to spend some of this season with her - we had our fun and the time flew by so fast. But it was clouded by school stuff going on with Jason and, of course, bloody messes caused by the dog's inability to leave his little nubbie alone. I'm just so anxious about it all. Just anxious in general I guess. Normally, no matter what is going on, the holidays never let me down. I seem to always find my holiday cheer just in time. But I have to admit...I'm afraid Christmas might fail me this year. It's not over yet, though. We still have a week to find my little Christmas miracle: my holly jolly holiday cheer.
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