I started my period last week...or I should say, I started spotting last Sunday thru Wednesday, then it picked up to a trickle on Thursday and Friday, and then a light version of my period (flow wise, lighter; yucky feeling, greater) started over the weekend and has continued in to today. OVER. IT. I did some research online and from what I can tell, the first post-miscarriage period (especially if you didn't have a D&C) is really...interesting. Every site I found said that the first period after a miscarriage is different from your "normal" cycles: could be longer, shorter, lighter, heavier, more or less painful, or just out and out weird, which seems to be what mine is. Goody. I don't have any signs of infection, and it was a full 4 weeks after my miscarriage that the spotting started, so in that respect, it's on track (your period is supposed to reappear 4-6 wks after a miscarriage) and given my history, I was really suspecting it would be MIA and need to be restarted with progesterone, but it came all on it's own, and on time...but it's weird. Wonky. Different. I feel gross and achy and like I could sleep all week. And I'm OVER. IT.
So, my question to you is this: will it ever end? I just want to be DONE with this miscarriage and all of it's many, many unpleasantries. The grief, the pain (both mental and physical), the lingering discomfort, the sadness, the anger and fear, the wondering "why", the bleeding, all of it...when will it end?
Will it end?
Last night, for the first time that I can remember, while watching Four Christmases, I thought, "I wish I didn't want children." Because then all of this wouldn't be so damn hard. Had we not wanted our baby with all that we are, with every fiber of our beings, it would have been merely "a shame" that we miscarried, maybe even a relief in some horrible way, although I can't even fathom ever feeling such a thing myself. But wanting children so desperately, wanting them so badly that the pain of it all, the injustice, sometimes makes me feel numb, sometimes makes me feel so empty and alone that I don't know who I am or where I'm going. And for the first time, I wished I didn't want them. And the thought made me sick - because here's the thing:
I DO.
I'm so sorry you're going through all that - it's just miserable. Yes - the period wierdness does end and things do get better. Even with an early miscarriage (mine were all 5-7 weeks) there's a hormonal change that takes a while to settle and its effects are both physical and emotional. I'm going to put in my usual reassurance here, because I hate commenting on someone's first and only miscarriage wondering if they'll track back, see my history and despair. I am pretty exceptional (in a bad way) and many, many women have one miscarriage and go on to have a healthy pregnancy next time (in fact, the vast majority of miscarriages are a total one-off and after one miscarriage you chances of a healthy pregnancy are the same as those of someone who has not had a miscarriage). My own younger sister, who also had difficulties conceiving, took two years and some treatments to get pregnant then had a miscarriage but went on to have two healthy children with no treatment at all. Don't give up hope!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. The physical aspect can be rough and the emotional aspect is even worse! One possibility is to take contraceptives for a short time. It might help re-boot your body. After one of my losses, I bled on and off for like a month or 2.
ReplyDeleteI have also had the thought that I wish I didn't want children. It would be so much easier if we didn't have such a strong desire. But then I think how lucky the kids of infertiles are/will be because they were loved for so long before they were born. You'll make an exceptional mommy :)
Hugs and lots of love. You take care hun.