Miscarriage testing results - 4 months later

I finally decided to call the ER regarding the results of the testing done on my tissue/products of conception that I submitted the night of my miscarriage. I don't know why I did it today. Tomorrow is my birthday so maybe I was just feeling...I don't know. I really don't.

According to the nurse I spoke to, the testing is designed to check for abnormalities present. There were none. My tissue was labeled "normal products of conception." The egg sac was present, but no embryo had yet formed. I kind of already knew that much. She also said my negative blood type (B-) is an issue that will need to be watched with any subsequent pregnancies, which I also knew. The thing she said that makes me regret calling at all was this: "There was an egg sac, but an embryo had not yet formed, so basically the cells were still trying to multiply and it wasn't happening correctly. So really, you didn't have a baby yet."

I didn't have a baby yet. I didn't have a baby yet. 

Her words made me feel foolish. Like I've spent the last 4 months mourning something that never was. Like I've been overly dramatic, that the anguish I felt and still feel wasn't real, wasn't warranted. Like the necklace I wear around my neck in remembrance of a life lost is really in remembrance of an almost baby. But the thing is, it was a baby to us. It was real to us. It mattered to us. It still does, and always will. What was also real was the dream that had finally been realized. An egg implanted into the lining of my uterus after combining with sperm. I had a very high HCG level. Cells were beginning to multiply. It was going to be somebody. Our somebody. It just didn't quite make it. 

I'm upset. I shouldn't have called. I feel like I've been socked in the stomach, like I've been told I've been ridiculous for grieving for something that wasn't even there to begin with. But I don't believe that. I believe life starts at conception, and we had "normal products of conception" therefore, we conceived.  It was real. It may not have been an actual baby yet, but it was ours, and it had a soul. The good news is that our results were normal, nothing abnormal was found. I have to focus on that part. We will get our baby, and I still believe our baby in heaven is there watching over us, regardless of what that ER nurse had to say about it.