Oh AF, you elusive old crone

Cycle began today, day 44. I put a call in to the fertility doc's office to update them. We shall see what I'm to do, if anything. Still haven't heard back yet about all of the stuff from yesterday. Usually, when I was seeking treatment in 2009, they would have me come in day two, three or four for an ultrasound and then put me on a med once the cycle was over, but I still don't know where I'm going for an ultrasound or if there is a clinic nearby affiliated with Dr. Surrey's office. And, I still have to get letters from my cardiologists stating that I'm ok to proceed with treatment, so this month may be a "dead cycle" anyway if it takes me awhile to get all of that together.

Whatever will be, will be!

This is why I hesitated

Not sure how I feel about where I am right now, but at least I'm somewhere, I guess. I ended up biting the bullet and placed a call to the fertility office to see what the doctor wanted me to do next. When a nurse returned my call, she originally suggested that I come in for an ultrasound and have some more blood drawn to see where I stand right now and what may be happening to inhibit the cycle and to see if I ovulated, which they can apparently tell from the ultrasound and blood work. I reminded her that we now live in Redlands and schlepping from here to LA (the closest office to us) takes some advance planning. To which she replied that, given our new location, perhaps we should consider seeing another specialists...WHAT?!?! Not what I had expected to hear. At all. I told her that I was really uncomfortable with that; that starting over someplace new was not an attractive option given the complicated situation we are dealing with (heart surgery, pacemaker, PCOS patient with atypical PCOS); that Dr. Surrey's reputation alone is what drew me to his practice and that we were fully committed to proceeding with our treatments under his care but had hoped he had an affiliation with a clinic closer to home that we could see for ultrasounds and smaller procedures, as we did in Santa Barbara; that we were happy to come in to consult with him in his Beverly Hills office and if it came to having larger, more complicated procedures that we would make the drive but had hoped to continue in his care; that we had established a patient/Dr relationship and if I started all over again, I'd be STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN; that if we were going to be paying this financial and emotional price, I wanted to be seeing someone who could ultimately get us to where we want to be: pregnant. So, she said she would talk to Dr. Surrey and see what's what.

I am confused and frazzled. I talked to my good friend, Jess and she calmed me down, and pointed out that perhaps, just perhaps, it's not a terrible idea to consider choosing a clinic closer to where we now reside; that the drive and logistical nightmare that would result from living so far from our clinic might be too much stress on us and end up being a bigger detriment than anticipated; that maybe a fresh pair of eyes on my "case" would be a good thing and that just because I believe Dr. Surrey can help us achieve our dream doesn't mean another doctor can't. All true and points taken. I just need to wrap my head around the possibility of seeing a new doctor and taking this in a new direction. {Thank you, Jess, for taking the time to listen and help me see what I was missing in my hysteria.}

Who knows --- maybe a new perspective wouldn't be so bad. Maybe this is what is meant to be, and will make all the difference. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I just want someone to fix this, and help us make our dream a reality.

Hmmm, to call or not to call...

...that is the question. I am on day 43 of my cycle - no period and I am not pregnant. I tested yesterday and this morning. So technically, I should call my specialist and tell them so I can be instructed on what to do next. But, for some reason, I just don't want to. Is it bad that I'm already dreading re-entering the infertility culture? It is a way of life - you live and breathe your cycle, and I fear that because my cycle isn't cooperating that I will be put on that dreaded drug, metformin. Again. The issue I have with going on that drug this time is two fold: 1) it made me so sick and 2) my insulin and glucose tests came back normal so there really is no reason other than it *might* help with initializing ovulation...key word *might*. It may sound crazy, but I would rather try injections which are far more expensive and pack you full of hormones than be put on metformin again. I just H.A.T.E. that medication so much and shudder at the thought of going on it now after my body has been through so much.

I don't know what to do. I was so hopeful that when I took that dose of progesterone at the end of November that it would jump start my cycles again, like it did 2 years ago. But I was taking Metformin then and it's possible it only worked as a combination. I'm just so frustrated.

I think another reason I feel so up in the air about what I should do is because all of the facilities to get things done at are farther away. When we lived in Santa Barbara, there was a main clinic there where we could see our specialist and he had an affiliation with a local women's clinic where I would get my ultrasounds done and my procedures. Now that we live in the inland empire, our nearest office to see Dr. Surrey is in Beverly Hills (1.5 hours away) and we're not sure of where the closest clinic would be to get any ultrasounds or procedures done...we certainly can't be traveling to and from LA for everything.

And then there's the cost. We have money saved, that's not the problem. If we knew we could achieve our goal in X number of months, we could have a better idea of what to expect to spend but we don't. It could take 2 months or it could take 2 more years - none of the costs are covered by insurance and I still don't have a job. Our decision has been made to use what we have until we're not comfortable using it anymore and then re-evaluating our situation. We figure we have enough for up to 3 IUI's, but we need to find out which method of medication they want to put me on. I've already done clomid which affected my eye sight so that's out and the femara...well, we're not sure what came first, the heart palpitations or the meds so I'd rather not take that med again. That really only leaves me with injections - which are pricey. However, I've read that the success rate for injections, especially with women my age, are more successful than with clomid, so perhaps that is the way to go.

Again, I need to call my doctor but...I just don't want to. Maybe tomorrow.

Devil, thy name is Facebook

Ok, I don't really hate it all the time but for certain very sensitive subjects such as babies --- my nemesis. I can't tell you how many times I've actually broken down and cried from reading yet another post announcing that a friend, relative or acquaintance of ours is expecting a baby. I think the total number of babies conceived and/or born to people we know in the time that we have been trying to conceive has literally reached close to 40, maybe more. In most cases, we are sincerely happy for the couple. Sad for us, but happy for them. In some cases, we are not. We all know those people who really shouldn't have kids for one reason or another and yet, they do. Painful. And then come the baby photos. They are all so adorable, so precious --- and they are all not ours. First, we smile, we exclaim over their perfect little face or tiny little hands and feet, revel in how much he/she looks like daddy/mommy, consider the name choice, say it aloud, trying out the syllables. Then, the tears come. Usually one lone tear at first, but it's the breaking of the dam and you try to hold it back but it just won't be held. When's it going to our turn? What did we do in another life to deserve hardships like ours? Wouldn't we be good parents? Wouldn't our babies be adored and loved beyond measure? How much longer do we have to do this? When will we have our happy ending? Will we EVER have our happy ending?

I said from the beginning that this blog was a space for me to say what I wanted to, what I needed to, without reservation or apology. If you are reading this and you find yourself thinking, "Oh my God, I've had a baby since they started trying and she must really hate me," please stop, because you're wrong. Everyone invited to read this blog is loved by us. We are happy for you and celebrate your amazing blessings. But sometimes, we just need to be sad.

This Will Be Our Year

My good friend, Allie, posted this awesome song on to my Facebook page and Jason and I were very moved by it so I thought I'd share. She had thought of us when listening to it and I have to agree that it really sums up how we feel about where we are, taking in to account our recent past and how we feel about the year ahead. Thank you, Allie!

Bittersweet

Jason and I traveled to Virginia this holiday season to spend time with family and we had a great trip. It was a relatively quick little jaunt (5 days total, although 2 were spent traveling...you know how it goes: flights, layovers, airports, bah!) but we did have enough time to spend a day in DC together which we really enjoyed. And of course, it was great to have the Nam family together. On our last night there, we all went out to dinner and Jason's brother and his wife made an announcement: they are expecting a baby in August. We did have a bit of notice. Jason and his brother took a walk earlier that day and his brother broached the subject with him, saying that if we were uncomfortable with being there for the announcement, as they know of our infertility struggles and want to be sensitive to that, they would do it another time. However, we felt that since they are moving soon and won't be near family for a good amount of time, that it was a good time to make the announcement and gave it our "blessing." Jason and I both thought it was so sweet of them to approach us beforehand and really appreciated their thoughtfulness. We are happy for them, but sad for us. This was especially bittersweet: being an Uncle and an Aunt is truly a blessing (we think of our little cousins Jake and Brady [who is our godson as well] as our nephews) but it is also difficult to accept that we are still not parents, even after nearly 3 years on the path. We trust that in good time, when the time is right and when we are meant to be parents, that we will be blessed with a child (or children) of our own, but it is hard to watch those we love continually achieve our dream ahead of us. But such is life and we are happy for them and wish them all of the best.

Pillow Talk

You may or may not notice that I changed the design of my blog. I thought the headboard/pillow/bedside lamp background was an appropriate choice given the subject matter. :) Hope you like it!